Community Magazine Februafy 2009

K im is a bright, successful stu- dent who gets good grades and excellent report cards. Outwardly, she seems happy, but inside, she’s miserable. During class she can bury her head in her books and perform well, but during recess she is a mess. Other girls get together for a game of jump rope, or socialize and enjoy some good laughs over a bag of Super Snacks. Kim, however, never devel- oped the skills that would allow her to do this. So she stays alone, embarrassed and intimidated. There are lots of kids like Kim. Unlike the learning disabled children, they’re not so easy to notice. They stay on the side- lines, hardly complain, and don’t act up. So they may seem to be doing well, while inside they are falling apart. Parents of these children must not be deceived by the impressive report cards and compliments from teachers. If a child spends too much time alone, avoids talking to his peers, or frequently withdraws when he is asked to respond to a stranger, the parents should seek professional help to address the possibil- ity of a social problem. At the same time, be careful not to rush to make judgments. Just because other children are social butterflies, this doesn’t mean that your Michael must be “Mr. Social” and the center of atten- tion. Some children are naturally more reserved, and not every youngster is “Miss Personality.” If a child seems con- tent relating to a small circle of friends, that’s perfectly acceptable. Discerning parents can usually tell the difference between a child who is reserved by nature and one who experiences social difficulties. If you’re unsure, consult a professional. Children can usually overcome social problems by learning the necessary skills. In my practice, I’ve been successful in helping youngsters get through challeng- ing circumstances with role playing. We act out situations and discuss appropri- ate responses. I teach children to look at themselves from someone else’s point of view, and realize they have plenty to offer to others in social situations. Most of all, I train them to build their self confidence, which will inevitably lead to stronger social interaction. So Kim and I discuss what happens during recess. We talk about ways she could mingle with others. We practice different scenarios, and I have Kim repeat the things she will say over and over again. In short, I send her back to the schoolyard armed with an arsenal of appropriate responses to situations that can elicit change. Most of all, I explain to her that the world is not a scary place, and that her classmates are not scary people. Social issues can sometimes result from developmental problems. For exam- ple, children who are unattractive or exhibit poor hygiene are more likely to be shunned. Obesity, dowdiness, and general sloppiness can contribute to rejection. Ideally, of course, everyone should be accepted for who he is, but in reality, children must learn to conform to expec- tations in their environment. Often, social problems stem from poor academic performance or misbehavior. In such cases, once the learning or behav- ioral problems are rectified, self esteem increases, and social issues will, with time, work themselves out, as well. Besides seeking professional assis- tance, parents themselves can play an important role in helping their socially challenged children. They can discuss the day’s events and point out where social interaction could improve. “I’m a little surprised,” a mother might say, “that you didn’t ask Sylvia to come over.” Or, “Next time they choose sides, maybe you could ask the captain to count you in.” Encourage the child to develop a talent that will lead to social interac- tion in a non-threatening venue, such as music, dance, art, swimming, sports and cooking. Most importantly, build the child’s self esteem. Rejection is a difficult pill to swallow. Being told every day that the seat in the lunchroom is “reserved” for somebody else, and watching energetic ballgames from the sidelines, can be very damaging to a child’s pride. You can offset those feelings by offer- ing encouragement, finding activities that the child finds fulfilling, and spending time with him listening attentively to what he has to say. Above all, explain to him that everyone is unique, we all have our strengths and weaknesses, and every- one can flourish and succeed in his own personal way. At the end of the day, all the kid wants to know is, “I’m normal. There are plenty of wonderful things about me.” And you can make that happen. RiFKa SCHoNFELd I NSIGHTS INTO EDUCATION And Other Social Issues That Children Face Some people are afraid of flying. Others are afraid of snakes. Meet Kim, a third grader. She’s afraid of recess. The FEAR Factor 114 Community magazine