Community Magazine November 2008

94 Community magazine Lighter SIDE THE LIGHTNING HAMMER During our home renovation, my wife was watching me drive in some nails. “You hammer like lightning,” she said. “Really?” I replied, flattered. “Yes, really… you never strike the same place twice.” Abe Cohen BELIEVE IT OR NOT – CALLS TO 911 Dispatcher: 9-1-1. What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one. Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine- one-one and nine-eleven is the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid. Dispatcher: 9-1-1. What’s the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart. Dispatcher: This her first child? Caller: No! This is her husband! Dispatcher: 9-1-1. What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and a skirt, why? Jeremy Ross MONDAY’S DISASTER A man came home from work and found his three children outside in their pajamas play- ing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house, and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the radio was blaring loudly and the family room was littered with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that some- thing serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn all over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife curled up in bed wearing her pajamas, read- ing a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?” She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I did all day?” “Yes?” the husband answered inquisitively. “Well,” she replied, “whatever it is, today I didn’t do it.” Tutu Mulu PREFERRED CUSTOMERS An Israeli is walking down the street in New York when sud- denly, to his horror, he sees s a sign hanging in front of a build- ing. The sign reads, “We would rather do business with a thou- sand Hamas terrorists than with a single Israeli.” Enraged, the Israeli walks up to the building and prepares to go inside to confront the own- ers. As he is about to enter the building, he notices a smaller sign which reads, “Bergenstein Funeral Home.” A. N. Can YOU crack us up? Send us your most hilarious jokes, anecdotes, or observations.Top picks will appear in this section with the name of the contributor. email: jokes@community m .com • fax: 718-504-4246 mail: 1616 Ocean Parkway, Brooklyn, NY 11223