Community Magazine November 2008

68 Community magazine Ask Jidoh Dear Jidoh, Since my recent engage-ment, I have begun getting to know my future in-laws. One dilemma I am facing is with my fiancée’s father. Last week, we played a few games of toleh (backgammon), and we are both reasonably good players. But throughout the game, I noticed that he would sometimes move his pieces without counting correctly, resulting in a good move for him. This happened several times in the course of a few games, and each time he won. I didn’t say anything because I don’t really mind, but I’m not sure if this was the right decision. Though he is courteous enough to me, he is known as an intimidating personality. I am wondering now if he was testing me. Maybe he wants to see if I am a pushover and he can boss me around, maybe he wants to see if I am smart enough to catch his mistakes, maybe he was testing whether I am respectful, etc. I need to figure out the best way to handle the situation the next time we play. Should I correct his mistakes, look the other way, or just avoid sitting down for a game? Signed, Torn by Toleh Dear Torn by Toleh, As a general rule, while it’s very important to foster a respectful and amicable relationship with in-laws, it’s equally important to keep the relationship in its proper perspective. Sometimes that means maintaining a comfort- able distance and understanding and creating for yourself certain rules of engagement. Such rules may be different for each individual based on personality types, working relationships, living arrangements, etc. But in every situ- ation, the basics, which include halachic guidelines and common courtesy, still apply equally. In the situation described, it seems as though you feel uncomfortable correcting your father-in-law as it may pos- sibly cause him embarrassment. This is admirable. At the same time, you don’t want anyone to take you for a fool. This is also understandable. A possible solution would be to confide in your future wife about the dilemma and enlist her to watch future games – at least until you’re comfortable enough on your own. Have your fiancée pay close attention to her father’s moves while you act distracted. If she detects an incorrect move, she can casually correct it – seemingly, without you or others noticing much. You can even carry this out by asking a grade school brother, sister, niece or nephew to carefully check your own moves to be sure you counted correctly. The young spectator will almost automatically count out your opponents moves, as well, and thus correct any miscounts. Whatever technique you decide on, be sure to always take the high ground and avoid confrontation. You’ll pass the test, whatever it is. All the best Jidoh Dear Jidoh, I live on a nice block with lots of friendly neighbors. But too often they knock on my door to “borrow” ingredients for cooking. “Borrowed” items are, in most cases, not re- turned. At first I was naive and more than willing to “lend” an item here and there, but it reached the point where I often find myself out of ingredients that I need for cooking. This bothers me because I have young children that I have to bring with me when I shop, and, in addition, I’m not responsible to give out free food when the price of food is skyrocketing. Therefore, I had to start telling my neighbors that I either don’t have the requested item or that I will need it for cooking that day. I feel bad about lying to them, but because we are on good terms otherwise, I’m not com- YOUCAN ASK JIDOH! Send your queries, questions and requests for the wisdom of Jidoh: Mail: Community Magazine 1616 Ocean Parkway Brooklyn, NY 11223 Email: jidoh@communitym.com Fax: 718-504-4246