Community Magazine November 2008

24 Community magazine but less than sincere compliment as he did every day, he said what he was thinking, “It would be nice if you could do something to your face so that I don’t have to look at something so unsightly each morning!” The maid, understandably, was terribly offended. She dropped the water, announced that she is quitting, and stormed outside. Later that day, after the prayer services, the man decided to visit his ailing, wealthy uncle. He stepped into his uncle’s home and immediately noticed how gravely ill he had taken. When the uncle asked why his visitor looked so concerned, the man could not hide his true thoughts. “I’m sorry but, it just looks you are about to die any time now!” he exclaimed. Surprised by his nephew’s gloomy comment, the uncle tried to change the subject and asked about the man’s business and financial outlook. “The business is terrible,” the man said involuntarily, “but I am sure that my situation will improve enormously since soon you will pass on and I will inherit a large portion of your huge estate!” Despite his frailty, the uncle erupted in an angry rage, condemn- ing his nephew’s insensitivity and proclaiming that he is uncondi- tionally disowned and left out of the will. By now, the man realized that he has become his own worst enemy. He insulted his maid, and she promptly resigned; he offended his uncle, and thus found himself disowned. Distraught and dejected, he decided to pay a v isit to his fiancée. He entered her home and mentioned that he was having a bad day. When his fiancée asked if she could cheer him up, he responded by saying that because her personality was somewhat dull, she probably couldn’t console him as well as either of his ex-wives. Not surprisingly, the woman responded by abruptly ending the courtship. That night, sheker returned to him and sarcastically asked, “So, how is life going without me?” WHEN HONESTY AND PEACE COLLIDE The Torah’s approach to honesty is thus a complex one. On the one hand, lying is the only prohibited act that the Torah not only forbids, but also demands distancing oneself from it: “You shall distance yourself from matters of falsehood” (Shemot 23:7). Lying is terribly unethical and especially destructive, and to that end we must not only refrain from falsehood, but also keep a distance from it. At the same time, however, the Torah clearly allows and even requires dishonesty, or at least imprecision, under certain circumstances. As the Ben Ish Chai’s story demonstrates, the value of emet does not supersede the value of shalom, peaceful relations between people. If a frank, candid comment would arouse resentment or hard feelings, it must not be spoken. If imprecision is necessary to resolve or avoid conflict, then it must be employed. Later in the Book of Beresheet (50:17), we read that Yosef’s brothers approached him after the death of their father, Yaakov, and relayed Yaakov’s instruction that he forgive them for their crimes against him. The Sages explain that although Yaakov had never issued any such command, the brothers contrived this story for the sake of maintaining peaceful relations with Yosef. In fact, the Almighty Himself once employed such imprecision with respect to the truth in order to avoid marital strife. When Sara heard the prophecy that she would bear a child, she laughed in disbelief, noting, “…but my master is old!” (Beresheet 18:12). Gd repeated Sara’s remark to Avraham, but with one modification: “Can I indeed give birth – but I am old!” (Beresheet 18:13). As the Rabbis explain, Gd gave an imprecise account of Sara’s remarks in order to conceal from Avraham her, perhaps unflattering, comment about his advanced age. Certainly, we must “distance ourselves” from falsehood. But when marital stability is at stake, precision may be set aside. For the same reason, the school of Hillel ruled that wedding guests should compliment the bride with the generic praise, “Kalla na’a va’hasuda –Abeautiful, graceful bride!”, regardless of whether this is accurate (see Ketubot 17). Their primary responsibility of well-wishing guests is to endear the bride to her groom, to make him feel proud and overjoyed. This concern takes precedence over the need to give an honest description of the bride’s qualities. Another example is the story told of Rabbi Yehuda Ha’nasi (redactor of the Mishna), who, while delivering a lecture, smelled a strong stench of garlic. Unable to concentrate due to the pungent odor, the Rabbi requested that whoever had eaten garlic before the class should leave the room. One of his most illustrious disciples, Rabbi Hiya, rose from his seat and left. Later, it was revealed that Rabbi Hiya in fact was not the one who had caused the stench. Nevertheless, in order to spare the culprit shame and embarrass- ment, Rabbi Hiya pretended that he bore responsibility and left the room. Once again, the value of truthfulness gave way to an overriding concern, the desire to protect one’s fellow from humiliation. THE ULTIMATE TRUTH We asked, why was it necessary for Yaakov, the man of truth, to speak dishonestly in order to receive the blessing? The answer, quite simply, is that he acted in accordance with the ultimate truth Dedicated in memory of Mr. Irving Semah   “YOU SHALL DISTANCE YOURSELF FROM MATTERS OF FALSEHOOD” (SHEMOT 23:7). LYING IS TERRIBLY UNETHICAL AND ESPECIALLY DESTRUCTIVE, AND TO THAT END WE MUST NOT ONLY REFRAIN FROM FALSEHOOD, BUT ALSO KEEP A DISTANCE FROM IT. ’ ’’