COMMUNITY MAGAZINE May 2008

68 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE Ask Jidoh You can ask Jidoh! Send your queries, questions and requests for the wisdom of Jidoh to: Mail: Community Magazine 1616 Ocean Parkway Brooklyn, NY 11223 Fax: 718-504-4246 email: jidoh@communitym.com Dear Jidoh, My wife, who is a s t a y - a t - home mom with a full- time house- keeper, refuses to organize the closets and cabinets in our home. She generally keeps the house tidy, but just beneath the surface everything is a big mess. I have tried many different ways to remedy this. I have explained to her how important it is to me, but to no avail. I have offered to help and I have even organized some of the clos- ets myself – in spite of my extremely busy schedule. But it always ends up becoming a mess again and my wife just doesn’t want to do anything about it. Though it doesn’t bother me that she spends a large portion of her day in leisurely pursuits – playing cards, meeting with friends, etc. – it does bother me that she is doing so while our home is not properly tended to. My question is whether it would be wrong to introduce a reward for this. Every so often, my wife suggests that we go out to eat and I almost always agree. I’m thinking maybe to condition each outing on one closet or cabi- net being organized before we go. Would it be wrong to institute such a policy? Signed, Looking for Order Dear Looking for Order, First let’s establish that although this is bothering you, the ‘problem’ has to be put into perspective. If you have a wife and children, can afford to have a housekeeper without your wife having to work, and your most pressing challenge is messy closets, you are certainly well ahead of the game. Your idea for an incentive to encourage her to focus on it more is one thing, but don’t get into a tit-for-tat. Going out together may be important to keep your marriage healthy; don’t withhold that time as a punishment. Also, although you might be thinking it, do not resort to making this a matter of “if she loves me why doesn’t she do this for me.” Though you probably recognize that keep- ing a house both tidy and organized is a big job, and even with help, some women find the task of staying organized quite daunt- ing, you may not realize that not everyone is cut out to be a good organizer. Though organization may be one of your stronger personality traits, your wife is probably not wired that way. Nevertheless, I’m sure she has other qualities that she excels at – would you rather she was a better cook or a better organizer? So although you may try to encourage and motivate her in this regard, it’s possible that you may never get her to change her habits enough to main- tain well organized closets and drawers. To satisfy your own need for order, you are on the right track to pitch in yourself. In addition, you should enlist your children if they are old enough to keep their things in order and even to be responsible for certain drawers or closets in the house. You’d also be well advised to add this task to your housekeeper’s responsibilities. Concentrate on eliminating some of the sources of the junk – old clothing that isn’t used, unneces- sary toys, etc. Work together on simplifying your lifestyle and focusing on the positive. All the best, Dear Jidoh, I’d like to ask a question of what to do about the amount of candy my kids end up getting when I take them to shul. They don’t need candy to want to come and it only serves to make them less likely to sit and pray next to me. It is also not good for them and for those who are halav Yisrael, it’s a problem that some give out Hersheys. How should this be handled?. Signed, Avoiding the Candy Man Dear Avoiding, The idea of candy in shul started with very simple and humble origins – to give a young child a ‘sweet’ experience in com- ing to pray and a small reward for good behavior in shul. However it has turned into a huge problem, even more so than your letter indicates, when one considers what has become of Simhat Torah and other sponsored events in our shuls when candy distribution often results in fights among adults, and behavior that verges on chaos. Plying youngsters with ice cream, donuts and candy not only ruins lunch, it gets kids sugared up and hyper. So instead of having well-behaved kids you end up with aggres- sive, uncontrollable ones. Our children would be much better served with oppor- tunities to participate in the hazanut, Torah reading and engaging stories. But many shul youth programs (if they exist at all) are understaffed and lack organizational skills. Parents can help by getting more involved at all levels and making a point to either join their children in the special youth minyan, or sit together with them in the main shul. By taking a more proactive role in shul youth programs, parents can begin to influ- ence positive change, rather than complain- ing and leaving the decisions to others who may be well-intended but inexperienced. All the Best,