Community Magazine August 2006

 ”  58 Community Magazine Smile... Your marriage is on kiddie camera I am always amazed at how much of myself I see in my children. Similarly, I am constantly surprised by how much of my parents I see in myself – not only the physical attributes, but other characteristics as well. When I speak to my children, I some- times find myself saying things my father said to me twenty years ago. Similarly, when my children interact with each other or with their friends, I can see myself in the things they say and do. It really should come as no surprise. Children are sponges, taking in everything they hear from us and see us do. We are the models for what they will be when they grow up. As such they record all they experience from us and play it back later. In the context of our marriages, this is no different. Children learn how to be husbands and wives from their parents. They learn their role, but more importantly, they learn how to interact with each other. For example, one of my clients thought she and her husband were doing a great job of hiding their arguments. Until one day, her daughter came to her and asked her why Mommy and Daddy were angry at each other. I am a firm believer that children know everything. They may not be aware of the details, but trying to hide your feelings from your children is like trying to hide the fact that it is cold in the winter. Children feel it and there is a scientific reason for this. It has been well documented that when an infant is born, his/her mother exhibits a “sixth sense” in knowing what he/she needs. When a helpless baby cries in the middle of the night, his mother can sense if he is hungry, wet or ill. There are two important facts that we fail to realize. One is that the extra special con- nection between parents and their children works both ways – as much as parents can sense their children’s feelings and needs, chil- dren can also sense their parents’ feelings and needs. The other is that that the connection never goes away. We become accustomed to other forms of communication, but that “sixth sense” is always there. That is how even when we try to hide our true feelings from our chil- dren they know them. They may not know the what, where, and how of the fight but they know the feelings behind it. Not only will your children internalize the feelings their parents have with each other but after some time these feelings will become normal. If a cold distance exists between par- ents – and that is accepted as normal – then you can look forward to that child growing up and having a similar relationship with his spouse. Even if you educate your child on what is healthy in a relationship, he will ulti- mately do what feels comfortable with, rather than what he understands intellectually. What are we to do as parents to insure that our children do not inherit our problems? The following are a few tips: 1) Let’s be honest: I am in no way advo- cating that parents air their dirty laundry in front of their children. However, denying the existence of obvious tension or cold distance in the home only tells the child that what he senses in your relationship is healthy and normal. This is a message you do not want to give. Validating your children’s feelings is a much better idea. 2) Saying you’re sorry: Every profes- sional I have ever heard speak on the subject, advocates not fighting in front of children. I concur. However, whenever I ask a group of professionals in a room, “Who here has fought with their spouse in front of their kids?” They all raise their hands. The reason is we are all human and we make mistakes. But how many of us apologize in front of the kids? Our chil- dren see us argue, and they see us not argue. Do they ever get to see us apologize? If our children are learning from us how to get into fights they should learn from us how to get out of them. If a husband said to his wife at the dinner table, “You know honey, I’m sorry I snapped at you this morning I should not have yelled.” Would that not be a great thing for their children to witness? 3) Publicly appreciate: Too often after years of marriage we accept our roles in the relationship and take them for granted. While you may be OK with your spouse not verbal- izing his appreciation for the things you do, your children cannot afford to be taken for granted. If you do not appreciate each other in front of your children, they will assume it is all expected. This may be setting them up for great disappointment and frustration in their future relationships. It is a vital part of their education in becoming a spouse to learn how to appreciate their partner. 4) Work it: Relationships are not stagnant, they are fluid. They are always growing or shrinking. If you and your spouse are not get- ting closer, you are growing further apart. It’s impossible to stay in the same place. That is why marriages take effort. If your children do not sense that you are working on your mar- riage, they will not bother to develop those muscles when it comes time to work on their own marital relationships. Remember, asking for help is not a sign of failure it is a tool for success. CM Shlomo Lieberman is a licensed clinical social worker who has been servicing the Sephardic community for 15 years. He practices both in Brooklyn and New Jersey and does individual, marital and family therapy. Shlomo Lieberman, L.C.S.W. The dictionary defines marriage as: “The legal union of a man and woman as husband and wife.” Your children define marriage as: “The relationship between Mommy and Daddy."