Community Magazine August 2006

 ”  44 Community Magazine but he decided it was not good for the child at that time. When he told the child no, the child began screaming in a slightly disrespectful way. At the time, the father stood his ground and ignored the hutzpa. Now he wanted to know if he had done the right thing. I told him that what he had done was the most effective way of dealing with hutzpa. It is best to ignore hutzpa, especially since a child is usually acting that way to irritate the parent and pressure him into giving in. When the parent does not give in, he is teaching the child that he means what he says. By ignoring the negative behavior, the parent prevents the child from ben- efiting from it in any way. This leaves the child with no reason to continue the negative behavior. Many parents protest, “But by ignor- ing hutzpa, aren’t we just letting the child get away with it? He is not learn- ing any lesson. Aren’t we supposed to raise our children not to be disrespect- ful? Don’t we have to tell them some- thing right away?” For these parents, we once again quote Harav Steinman at the recent Torah Umesorah convention where he was asked the following question: If a child answers the rebbe in a disrespectful manner, how should the rebbe deal with such a situation? Is it permitted for the rebbe to overlook it and not respond, or is it possible that by doing this the rebbe’s esteem will be lowered in the eyes of the students? To this Harav Steinman answered: “First of all, there is no such thing that a child has hutzpa. It is sheker vekazav (an illusion). He doesn’t have hutzpa. He wants to learn, and he wants to be good. No child wants to be bad. But sometimes, if he is pressured or pushed too hard, he can answer back. But this is not hutzpa. The child is answering in self-defense because he wants to protect himself, and the only way he knows how is by answering back. Usually a child wants to be good. If the rebbe will scream at the child and rebuke him strongly (when the child is disrespectful), the child will not absorb the lesson. On the contrary, the student will feel that the rebbe is out for his own pride and honor, rather than for the student’s benefit. If the rebbe is quiet, the opposite will occur: the child will feel respect for the rebbe. He will feel that the rebbe is a mensch. He won’t say these words, but the child will feel the truth. Children realize exactly who the rebbe is more than anyone else. They have a special sense to understand if the rebbe is acting the way he should or otherwise.” Ignoring the hutzpa of the child will cause the child to respect you more, espe- cially when the child is doing it to get you upset. When we pay attention to positive behavior, we reinforce it; when we pay attention to negative behavior, we rein- force it. The choice is ours. With sincere wishes for your success and siyatta diShemaya, Rabbi Dov Brezak . P rincipal of T almud T orah B inat N atan , J erusalem D irector of P roject K avey Rabbi Brezak’s bestseller, Chinuch in Turbulent Times, can be ordered directly from ArtScroll/Mesorah or purchased at your local bookstore. Rabbi Brezak’s tape series, “Chinuch Concepts 1 & 2,” can be ordered through Irgun Shiurei Torah at (718) 851-8651. Questions for Rabbi Brezak can be submitted by fax at (718) 732- 2522 or by email at kavey@thejnet.com CM Every $40 you spend gets you a $10 voucher towards gas, so bring your friends & family!