Community Magazine August 2006

 ”  Av 5766 August 2006 43 “The reason does not matter! What matters are the facts, which clearly show that it [harshness] doesn’t work nowadays!” Treat Them like Animals Let me state however, that I am in partial agreement with the words of the parenting mentor mentioned above: “If your children act like animals they should be treated as such.” Strange as it sounds, it might be worthwhile to treat our children as animals. But first let us make sure we understand how animals are treated. Take Shamu for instance. Shamu is a 19,000-pound whale. Candu and Namu are his children. The trainers at Sea World have been successful in getting Shamu to jump 22 feet out of the water and to per- form tricks. What techniques are effective in helping this animal accomplish such a task? Extreme discipline and harshness? Electric shock or other means of force? After all, this is an animal, not a human being. Surprisingly, the training course con- tained none of the above. The chief meth- ods used were a combination of “The whale can’t fail” along with strong positive reinforcement. Initially, the rope Shamu was to jump over was placed in the water right next to him in such a way that he could not help but go over it. Every time the whale went over the rope, he received positive rein- forcement. He was fed fish, patted, played with, and given other forms of positive support. As Shamu began to choose going over the rope more often than going under it, the trainers at Sea World begin to raise the rope. Little by little the rope was raised until eventually it reached a height of 22 feet out of the water. What happened when Shamu failed to go over the rope? Absolutely nothing. There was no punishment at all. The unwanted behavior was not acknowledged in any way. We see that the main techniques used to spur the whale to success were: (1) make it (ridiculously) easy for the animal to succeed; (2) consistently strengthen the desired behavior. Positive Reinforcement There are behaviors that empower and strengthen; there are behaviors that inca- pacitate and weaken. We would be wise to choose from those behaviors that build if we wish our interactions with others to be successful. For success in chinuch, this is crucial. Among those behaviors that build, posi- tive reinforcement stands out as one of the most powerful. There are a variety of ways to reinforce a desired behavior. The com- mon denominator among all is to be gen- erous in your praise. The more you praise and acknowledge, the more your child will respond positively, be’ezrat Hashem. With Positive Reinforcement, You 1. Express your approval of the action. This can be done verbally: “I’m really impressed with what you did” and similar remarks. Or it can be expressed in actions, such as a pat on the back, a smile, an encouraging gesture and so on. 2. Praise the action, offering compli- ments such as, “Excellent! That was a job well done”; “You did that well”; “These challot are delicious”; “That’s very respon- sible of you”; “You chose very nice col- ors.” 3. Show appreciation: “I really appre- ciate your helping me”; “Thank you for cleaning up and taking out the garbage.” 4. Acknowledge the action: “I see you began to clean up your room.” 5. Acknowledge the effort: “I see you really worked hard”; or, “I see you really tried hard.” It is a common misconception that we should reinforce only behaviors that took extra effort. Our children’s unusual or extraordinary actions receive our positive attention, while normal good behavior often goes unnoticed because we take it for granted. When a child listens to us, does his homework, gets along with siblings for a few hours, behaves nicely at the dinner table, and so on; we are not so quick to compliment. We may feel, “Why should I compliment a child for doing what he should be doing?” At the same time, we maintain a double standard, because when- ever a child slips up, even a little bit, we point it out to him. Realize that you create your child’s definition of success. If you consider even small things a suc- cess, your child will learn to be happy with small successes. If you acknowledge even the small things a child does, and even the things he has to do anyway, you are in effect lowering the rope (as with Shamu) and turning everything the child does into a success. This is a tried and true method that leads to greater success. Fulfilling an Attention Deficit Not only is positive reinforcement effec- tive, but even the attention itself reinforces the behavior we want to encourage. When we pay attention to positive behavior, we reinforce it; when we pay attention to negative behavior, we reinforce it. One of the most powerful tools to deter children from negative behavior is to ignore the behavior. All children want attention. If a child does not get it in a positive way, he will seek it in a negative way. His need for attention is so great that even negative attention is worth getting, as long as he gets some form of attention. A child who gets attention for his posi- tive actions will like himself. A child who gets negative attention will not like himself, but this will not prevent him from seeking negative attention. One 10- year-old boy repeatedly argued with his father until his father would scream at him. Careful investigation revealed that the father did not like this particular child as much as he did some of the others, such as the boy’s older brother. This boy, like all children, wanted attention, and the only way he could get it from his father was by getting his father to scream at him. Subconsciously, this gave the boy a feeling of importance, because his father was pay- ing attention to him after all. A 13-year-old boy was soiling his pants. The mental health professionals we con- sulted told us that the boy was seeking a connection with his mother. His mother was very busy with community matters and not involved with the home. She did not make meals or do the laundry and the house was in general disorder. The boy’s need for connection with his mother was expressed in a very basic way, that she at least come and clean him. Dealing with Hutzpa A father told me about the time his 4- year-old son wanted a snack very badly,