Community Magazine August 2006

 ”  42 Community Magazine Principles Shamu, Candu, Namu… No, this is not an incanta- tion, nor are these the names of African tribal leaders. These are names that may serve us well with the chinuch (upbring- ing/education) of our children. Education through Embarrassment? A parent related to me what he had been told in a recent parenting workshop. The mentor noted that there is a Torah prohibi- tion against embarrassing another person. “It can be compared to spilling blood,” he said. He then proceeded to say that with regard to children, this prohibition does not apply. “In fact, if your children act like animals, they should be treated as such.” To be sure, this is not the Torah view. Harav Pam, zt”l, writes, "To embarrass another Jew is a Torah prohibition, as it says, “Thou shalt not bear on him sin.” This includes children as the halachic rul- ing states that when one embarrasses a child, one must pay for the embarrassment, provided that the child is old enough to suf- fer embarrassment. Obviously, a child of school age is included in this catego- ry. The only reason it could be permitted would be for the benefit of the child. Still, it is very common that the damage outweighs the benefit. One can influence far more suc- cessfully and effectively through respect- ful and pleasant ways (Atara Lamelech, p. 90). Harav Steinman, shlita, was asked the following question at the recent Torah Umesorah convention: “What motivational techniques can be used to help ensure that the talmidim learn better? For instance, is a rebbe permitted to embarrass a student to spur him on and motivate him?” This was Harav Steinman’s answer: “It’s very not good. Embarrassing a talmid is very not good. It can hurt in such a way that it could take years for the wound created by the embarrassment, to heal. Embarrassment creates a wound that can be hard to heal altogether. It can hurt the child very much. How often do we hear children saying, ’Such and such a rebbe embarrassed me’ and to this day the child can’t get back to himself. This is a very big mistake. The teacher [that embarrasses] thinks the child is a doll. A child is a nesh- ama. One can not take a neshama and play around with it. We must know that each child is a holy neshama. The Ribbono shel olam sent down to this world holy neshamos, Yiddishe kinderlach, and we have to value them, not embarrass them, chas vechalila. We must see to it that they are treated with love.” A Sensitive Generation Q. What has changed nowadays? In previous generations, the Torah sages could be very tough and harsh toward their talmidim. A. People were made of stronger stuff in previous years. They would accept the strong rebuke, and it would benefit them. Today we are no longer made of the same material. We do not benefit from such treatment, and it is therefore no longer the correct approach. Someone recently told me about a meet- ing he had with Harav Wolbe, zt”l, and a known talmid hacham. Harav Wolbe was asked, “What has changed since previous times? What makes our generation dif- ferent?” To this Harav Wolbe exclaimed, Rabbi Dov Brezak’s insights on education Learning from the Animals The