Community Magazine December 2003

62 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE Dear Jidoh, I have been seriously dating a girl for over a year. However, I’ve known this girl for a few years now. From the year that we have been dating, I have come to realize that she is the right girl for me. However, my parents, who never met her, oppose our bond very strongly due to the fact that she does not belong to our (Syrian) community. She is an observant Ashkenaz Jew, with a Yeshiva background. I’ve tried to respectfully argue with my parents upon several occasions but unfortunately it was use- less. I’ve attempted to explain to them that I truly love this girl and have intentions to marry her. Despite my arguments and attempts, my parents refuse to accept her or even give her a chance. She and I have recently made a mutual decision to break up. Since then, both of us have been completely miserable and we still are, however there does not seem to be a future for us if my parents won’t allow our marriage to happen. I am a young college student and I am not financially stable to be ready to move out of my house. I have learned a law from the Torah stating that one does not always have to listen to his parents when it comes to marriage. I am extremely puzzled, lost and torn apart between my parents and the girl that I want to marry. Jidoh, please give me advice and counsel about how to assess this horrible situation and tell me what would be the best thing for me to do! Signed: Anonymous Dear Anonymous, I’d like try to clarify some of the issues that will help to lead you in a proper direction and with Hashem’s help you will find your way through and make the right decisions. When our community was made up largely of new immigrants, the cultural divide between our Sephardic community and the Ashkenazic community was much greater. Understandably, our own strong traditions, and lack of knowl- edge about our Ashkenazic “cousins” kept the two groups quite separate from each other, especially when it came to dating and marriage. To a very large degree, that has changed over the years and Baruch Hashem we can count many successful and thriving marriages between members of the Ashkenazic communi- ty and ours. However, old traditions sometimes die hard and till today not everyone is as open minded when it comes to crossing the cultural barrier for marriage—especially when the other side appears to be on a different level religiously or of vastly different background. The main concern is usually, that while in our community it is relatively easy for one fam- ily to find out about another family, such is not the case when the other side is Ashkenaz. A background check by all accounts is a necessary and customary part of the marriage process. In order to help bring your parents into the equa- tion, I would strongly recommend that you approach either a Rabbi that your parents know and respect, or a senior family member or friend and ask that they look into the match on your behalf. They can then report the information they gathered to your parents. This is an accept- ed part of the marriage process and should not create any ill will whatsoever. It may go a long way in reassuring your parents about the girl herself, as well as her family. Let this come about without you creating a confrontation with your parents. I am sure that your parents only want what is best for you, and as you say they will need to play a significant role in helping you to establish yourself in marriage. My best wishes that all works out well for you. Dear Jidoh, I want to thank you for your wisdom and practical advice from previous articles. Over the past few years I’ve heard that the best way to have peace in your house is not to be around your spouse too often. Being that you’re a Jidoh, you must be married quite a few years now, what are your thoughts about this? Signed: Still Single Dear Single, The best way I’ve learned to keep peace at home is to learn when to be around, and when not to be around! And sometimes it’s when you think you shouldn’t be around that you should! As you grow together with your spouse, you learn to read each other’s signals. Eventually, you will know when your wife needs your per- sonal undivided attention or help with the chil- dren or some “space” to tend to her own issues. She in turn will do likewise. The simply stated “advice” you’ve heard may be quite harmful to a relationship if taken in the wrong context. A great Torah Sage of our generation was approached by a student. The student beseeched the wise Rabbi, and said “Rebbe, please give me a Segulah for Shalom Bayit (Peace at home). My wife seems to try hard, but the house is always in disarray. The children have gotten the better of her, and she is always frazzled when I get home after my long day in Yeshiva. Rebbe, what should I do?” The great Sage answered in Yiddish “Nem a beysm!” which means literally “Take a broom!” Simply and directly, the Rebbe made it clear how his student should help at home in a practi- cal way—he had to be on the scene as part of the solution to achieve his Shalom Bayit. I am happy that you have started thinking about your proper role in achieving Shalom Bayit in marriage. Hopefully we will see you a Hatan very soon and no longer “Still Single” good luck to you. s xc Ask Jidoh Send your queries, questions and requests for the wisdom of Jidoh to: Mail: Community Magazine, 1616 Ocean Pkwy, Brooklyn, NY 11223 Fax: 718-504-4246 email: jidoh@communitym.com