Community Magazine November 2003

54 COMMUNITY MAGAZINE Dear Jidoh, I’m so glad to see a section devoted for such a worthy cause. You seem to be the Jidoh I’ve always yearned for. My dilemma seems to come up during holiday time. During the year I’m able to minimize my stay, but holiday time doesn’t allow me to excuse myself. I enjoy spending the holi- days with my parents and in-laws whereas my wife has a difficult time getting along with my mother. My mother can sometimes criticize my children and throw a few nasty comments (when I’m not around of course) at my wife. Being that I grew up with such criticism, I learned how to ignore the prob- lem. My wife on the other hand is very sen- sitive which makes for a very challenging situation. I’ve tried telling her not to get car- ried away, but my pep talk doesn’t seem to help. Please send me some advice and encouragement. S IGNED : A’ SLAN Dear Aslan, Growing up with criticism is a serious challenge. Criticism or unwanted comments are quite damaging to any relationship no matter how ‘well meaning’ the ‘giver’ is. I don’t believe you are ignoring the problem as you say, but rather you personally have built up the necessary internal defenses to cope with it. Now it is important for you to understand what your role must be to help your spouse, while at the same time main- taining the proper level of Kavod for your parents. You must sit on the fence between your mother and your wife and keep your balance. Mother-Daughter relationship issues are as old as history – and while the story of Ruth exemplifies a most unique positive relationship, rabbinic sources iden- tify it to be quite complex and stressful. Let’s look at a few sides of this multi faceted issue. First, let’s face it - until you got married you were your mother’s pride and joy, her son (add an extra measure if you are the first born son or first born male in the family). Mom was the main female in your life – she nurtured you in every way – and though she proudly marched you down the aisle, don’t think she ever let go completely. Her natural instinct will always be to extend her protective force-field around you when- ever possible. This is complicated by the fact that the barrier between her and her prized possession is non-other than your own dear wife. And the situation is further exacerbated as your Mother gets older, less physically capable of doing things for you, and feels less influential in your daily life. Your wife needs constant reassurance that no matter how she does things different- ly than your mother, she is quite competent and worthy of your honor, respect, and appreciation. Hers is the role of now being the most important female in your life. No one, not even your own Mother, may come between you to disrupt this most precious relationship. So ‘telling her’ (your wife) not to get carried away almost sounds like she is somewhat to blame for her own hurt feel- ings! You must reassure her and build her up- you must reinforce her qualities so that she has absolutely no question in her mind that she is number one in your book. As for mom, here’s a good idea – take her out for a cup of coffee once in while – and reassure her that no matter how involved you are with wife and kids that you still think and care about her – and that she still makes the best Chicken Soup (or Kibbeh) in the world. This reassurance will go along way in helping to adjust her focus AWAY from what she perceives to be your wife’s shortcomings. P.S. Tell your wife ahead of time that you plan to do this with your Mom, so she does- n’t become jealous of your time (get her to buy in to the idea) – she may ask you to take HER mother for coffee too! A LL T HE B EST Dear Jidoh, As I sit down to write this letter, my mind is still deep in thought. I am a female, in my mid thirties, and have a small family. My back- ground has always been orthodox. I’m a stay at home mother while my husband works full time. The topic I’d like to bring up is modesty. I’ll try to be as clear as I can, since I’m sure many others have a similar problem. Someone brought a few “Tzniut” tapes to my attention recently. Some of the stories I heard were so inspiring I couldn’t stop crying. Listening to those beautiful tapes over and over again gave me the courage to sit down and write this let- ter. Jidoh, am I growing or regressing? Let me explain. For many years now, choosing the right clothing has become more and more dif- ficult. On the one hand, I like to dress nice — especially since there is so much to compete against these days. I get the feeling that a lot of the problem has to do with the American way of living. Never be satisfied with what you have. We need a new hair style and a new out- fit every few weeks. On the other hand, maybe I’m dressing too nicely. Is my outfit provoca- tive or modest? Is my wig a little too dressed up or maybe it’s okay? My husband (being a bit of a Baseball fan) always uses the follow- ing analogy. There is something called widen- ing the strike zone. There is actually no fine line an umpire can base his calls on. Tzniut, which seems to be difficult to define, has an s ” xc Ask Jidoh