Community Magazine May 2003

man walks up to the groom at a wedding and tells him that his new wife is hideous. Proud of himself, the man later boasts to his friends about his honesty, “I tell it like it is. Mom taught me not to lie.” Is this man a role model or a scoundrel? Surely truth is a necessary ethical value for any civilized person, but are there exceptions when it comes to etiquette? And if so, where can one turn to for guidance on how to distin- guish these exceptions? The famous Greek philosopher Aristotle, wrote a book on ethics. More recently Emily Post published a comprehensive guide on eti- quette, that covers everything from how to treat a girl on a date, which wine to drink with each kind of food, how to fold your nap- kin and which side of the plate the fork should be placed. But each of these books and the hundreds like them have a fundamental lim- itation. They are man made and therefore the judgments are syn- thetic and subjective. They cannot be absolute because each indi- vidual has prejudices, biases and tendencies that are products of their finite comprehension and extremely limited perception of the world. This of course, has a direct impact on what they identify as proper behavior or ethically correct. Emily Post’s book has been reprinted and updated many times because any manmade code of behavior comes with an expiration date. As styles change, society may become more tolerant of that which was previously considered vile, culture adapts and a new standard is defined. For example, in the early days of television, directors wouldn’t dream of showing certain things on the screen. The bedroom was never on camera, and certain words could never appear on a script. The famed motion picture, “Gone with the Wind” couldn’t be aired on television because the last word of the film was considered vulgar by the studio censors. Today, the images and lan- guage that are considered acceptable for broadcast would shock the most morally corrupt elements of the previous generation. The air- waves have become a virtual cesspool and yet people continue to go out of their way putting sewers on their rooftops to attract this filth from all over the world and channel it into their living rooms—because it is accepted as modern culture. Of course this phenomenon is not isolated to television. Photographs of people going to the beach in the 1940’s reveal the style of the time. Ladies wore long dresses that cov- ered their knees, sleeves that covered their elbows, and even sunhats. In those days, if a woman wore less than that, she could be cited for indecent exposure. Today it seems that anything goes; some women feel comfortable parading around wearing practically nothing and we say “But it’s the beach!” At that time, society recognized that it didn’t make a difference—dressing improperly in a public place was simply considered lewd. That which is considered proper, modest, and correct in one gen- eration, changes in the next. Certainly such an arbitrary system can- not be relied upon to dictate the proper code of conduct for society. It is also clear that man-made rules will never suffice because human beings can never be completely objective. Only a divine source can truly define an absolute convention for proper behavior. The Torah is nothing less than a guidebook for life, containing all of the answers and nuances for inculcating proper behavior. This notion of looking to the Torah for guidance on etiquette may sound strange to some, yet it is a central precept of Judaism. Consider Rabbi Elazar ben Azariah, who at the age of 18 years old, was cho- sen to replace Rabban Gamliel as the president of the prestigious Yeshivah of Yavneh. Despite his young age, he possessed the wis- dom and ability, as well as noble lineage and connections that the Rabbis felt would make him an effective leader. R’Elazar however, did not immediately accept this most prominent position. He asked that the Rabbis allow him to consider the offer first. Of course R’ Elazar sought to ponder whether his youth could possibly prevent him from garnering the proper respect required for the position, but his ulterior motive for seeking additional time was to allow him to consult with his wife who would also be a party to the a decision— DEDICATED IN MEMORY OF JACK A”H & MARCELLE A”H SHASHO BY ELLIOT SHASHO P E R F E C T E T I Q U E T T E BY: RABB I EL I MANSOUR